Substrates of Thought

13 Oct 2016 2 Comments

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

The way I think about the world is different from most of the people I know.

Beneath every discourse are the assumptions which form our world view.  I have engaged cultures across the United States and the world.  Even as I have wrestled with these views to embrace them, I am wrestling now with my roots.  I have returned to the place where I started.  Juxtaposed against the trees, rivers, and skies which witnessed my childhood, I invite you to examine (as best we can) the substrates of our thought.  We will have to acknowledge our assumptions to enter here, to accept them and be comfortable.

Let me say from the start: it’s going to take some time and clarification to work through these ideas.  Exploring our implicit assumptions about the world is a little like trying to describe color without the use of adjectives.  How do you even do that?

I said recently, “I…have beliefs, which I usually keep to myself. At this point in my life, I am no longer afraid to voice some of them. Unfortunately, the way I think is very different from most people I know. That’s part of the reason I’ve decided to start talking about things, but it’s going to take time for people to really hear what I’m saying. That’s okay. I guess I knew it would take some time and clarification before I opened my mouth.”

 

Questions and Answers

24 Jan 2012 Leave a comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

I love gmail.  They should pay me to say that, but they do not.  I love them all the same.  And one reason is that I do not delete my email.  It is all there, in the analogues of time, waiting for me to search.  And so it was today, when I was looking for something completely different, that I found a quote from 2007,

“I think there is an important distinction between wanting questions answered, wanting answers, and wanting someone to answer.”

Wanting questions answered…

To me, this deals with the details of an event.  What happened, when, who was involved.  It can also deal with some of what people were thinking, what specifically motivated their actions, what their hope was in the choices they made.

Wanting answers…

I think that when you want answers, you are predominantly dealing with the question of why.  People may not be able to answer to your satisfaction…in fact probably will not be able to answer to your satisfaction.  I try to address this mostly to God, because He will know what I’m really asking…and He will be able to satisfy my heart like no one else can…even if it is like He answered Job.

In the book of Job, after Job has lost everything and finally turned to God wanting answers, God answers from a whirlwind, with questions of His own, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the world?”  It is one of my favorite sections of the Bible, in which God basically puts the smack down.  Still, I believe it is a merciful and loving reply, because in that place of wanting answers, often the things we think we want are not the things we need.

Wanting someone to answer…

This may be the most difficult position, because no person can fully meet this desire.  None of us can redeem ourselves.  It is what set’s Christianity apart from every other religion…in every other religion, people try to make up for their faults.  But in Christianity, we can only fall into the arms of grace.  The same grace that flows down from the cross to forgive us from the things we’ve done and heal us from the things done to us is the same grace that forgives those who have hurt us.  So when we want someone to answer, we will always come up empty handed until we take that desire to the Cross, where Jesus answered for us all, for all we have done, for all that has been done contrary to His love.  Somehow, someway, Jesus makes up the difference.  He has to.  Because those others, the ones we want to answer for what they’ve done…they can’t afford to pay.

Revelation of Grace

23 Mar 2011 Leave a comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

“…nothing in us can absorb sin.  Nothing.  Even when we are the one being sinned against, we still cannot handle sin…”

–TrueFaced Thrall, McNicol, Lynch

The annual remembrance of Christ’s passion provides for me another opportunity to think about the work of the cross.  I think I said it last year…how all sin is destroyed on the cross of Jesus.  The sins we have committed, and the sins committed against us.  The effect of sin is always the same: a broken heart.  TrueFaced says it this way:
“When we sin or when someone else sins against us, we experience some automatic responses.  If we do the sinning, our automatic response is called guilt.  If someone else sins against us, our automatic response is called hurt.  God designed these two responses to tell us that something wrong has happened, that something just got fractured and needs healing.”

Good News for the Broken

The cross of Christ does not make sense if you think you have it all together.  The extravagant love of God seems wasteful.  The Good News does not seem good at all until you know your own desperation before God.  But we live in a sin soaked world and all of us have been brushing up against sin since we entered this world.  It has broken our hearts.

The effects of sin, whether it is ours or someone elses, are the same: broken heartedness.  The answer is also the same: the cross.

Hebrews 12 describes Jesus as, “the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2 ESV)  Look at our responses to sin in the passage from TrueFaced: guilt or hurt.  These are both good indicators that we need Jesus.  But so often we hide our guilt and hurt in a vain effort to make them go away.  Left unchecked, both become shame.  Shame moves us from “something wrong has happened” to “I am wrong.”  But Jesus despises the shame and pushes through to the cross anyway…for the joy set before Him.

Do you know what Joy was set before Jesus that He would go through everything He endured?

You.

Me.

We are His joy, and “if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.”  (Romans 6:5 ESV)

God is doing a really cool work in me this season.  I haven’t been keeping up with the Lenten devotion I talked about in my last post…but mostly because God had other things in mind.  I guess He’s God.  I guess He can do that.

We Must Play

04 Mar 2011 Leave a comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

I make it no secret that I often consult God regarding my wardrobe.  It’s not because I do not feel capable of choosing my own clothes (although some days that is debatable), or because I think I will accomplish some spiritual aim for having consulted Him, or worse yet, simply to be more spiritual somehow.  It is, quite frankly, because He is my friend.

The idea that life could be more…or less…spiritual seems strange to me.  Either the spiritual is real, and is an integral part of everything we do, or it is not.  I think the trouble in accepting this comes, for most people, in the perceived weightiness of it.  Because I am lacking in profundity today (but apparently not lacking in big, obscure words), I will quote C. S. Lewis:

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously—no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner—no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat—the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.

You could probably just stop reading there.  ‘The Weight of Glory” has been my favorite essay, and probably even my favorite extra-Biblical writing, since I first read it in college.  It is foundational to my world view, particularly that last paragraph (quoted above).  But the part which is ringing in my ears today is, “We must play.”

God is a lot of fun.  He is tender and joyful and dynamic.  He likes delicious things (as evidenced when He turned water into wine and it was the best wine of the evening).  He likes laughter (the second patriarch of the Old Testament is named Isaac which means, literally, laughter).  If we understood how truly joyful He is, would we take ourselves so seriously?  Would we be so afraid of the reality that everything is sacred?  Or would we take more delight in each other, more delight in following Him where He leads, more delight in every bit of life?

Working with God is a lot of fun.  It is a life worth living.

Spring

20 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

I am actively jealous of all my cold-weather friends right now.

Spring begins in February.  After enduring bitter winds and snow and ice or the long, dry dead of winter, spring is beginning.  What was once a dismal grey forest is beginning to show hints of red and green in the bark as life returns to the tree.  The earth and the farmers know before the rest of us that the bitter chill is over.  The warming color will lead to buds on the tree that prove life really has returned.  Tiny green leaves and the earliest blossoms will poke through.  Each week a new wave of color and scent will greet the alert observer until summer’s branches unfurl their splendourous boughs.

That is, if I am remembering correctly.  I cannot witness the coming of spring like those of you entrenched in snow right now. And I am jealous.

Spring always finds me in the winters of my life, reminding me of God’s perfect timing, of His faithfulness, of new life.  The only other thing which speaks to me so powerfully of His consistency and patience is being in the ocean, learning the patterns of the waves.

I guess I need to learn to surf.

Does anyone know where I can find a wetsuit?

How are you?

13 Feb 2011 1 Comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags:

I think I’ve been asked this question a million times in the last three days.

How are you…

Okay, maybe that’s hyperbole.  I haven’t been asked a million times.  But more than a handful, and each time I want to give an honest answer.  Each time I am asked in the context of community, and I try to hear the subtext, “I care about you and want to know you more.”

I thought about posting about how much I like community, how complex, rich, and frightening it is; I thought about posting about how much I hate Valentine’s Day but am trying not to; I thought about posting more about God’s timing and how it’s not about me…but I have settled on the simple three word question:

How are you?

The question overwhelms me.  It always has, for it’s complexity and depth asked so often in brief encounters.  But I always want to know, when I ask, and I want to be known.  So I try to find short answers to a long question.

I am busy.  I am richly blessed.  I am seeing God move.  But mostly, I am desperate for God.

I am desperate for God to come and teach me His “unforced rhythm of grace”.  I am desperate for His presence to comfort me.  I need for Him to come in all my relationships and teach me how to live.  I need Him to interpret for me this list of personal failings my heart will not let go.  I am desperate to see God move in the lives of my friends, everywhere I look. I feel the ebb and flow of joy and sorrow among the people I love…financial, physical, spiritual, emotional, relational needs…some are met, some are waiting.    Some are big, some seem small, but all of them, every single one, is held by Heaven.  I am desperate for Him to find us here.  I am desperate for Him to pull me out of the bitterness I am wrestling with, for Him to speak somehow into the questions and the silences I keep, for Him to interrupt and…well…interrupt.  I just…want…Him.

And so I end each day grateful.  Grateful for the longing, grateful for His presence which is so near, grateful for His faithfulness, grateful that in the longing there is hope.

And that is how I am.

Reflection and Repentance (Bible Week…Day 8)

05 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: , ,

Turning 30 was hard for me this year.

This was not my plan for my life.

Now before you start lecturing me, I knew six years ago that I wasn’t going to be living my plans for my life.   It was then, in my first apartment after college, that God said I had good dreams, but it was time for me to live His dreams instead of mine.  So I’m good with that.

Sort of.

I expected to be married and have kids by 30.  Call me crazy, it was just a thought I had.  I expected to be walking or even running in whatever career or ministry God had for me…not one year in, still trying to find my balance.  I expected to be using this degree that cost me six years of my life, which I have not seen fully utilized yet.

It hurt.

I hurt.

So having spent this last week witnessing God’s faithfulness and impeccable timing in the Bible, I am trying to let the trust in Him soak into my soul.

His faithfulness stands tall against my litany of mistrust and the tears pour slowly down.

This must be what repentance feels like.

Waiting

23 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

After two of the busiest weeks of the year, followed by another week that did not slow down, I feel like I should update you on the 12 girls who descended upon our base for Discipleship Training School (they’re amazing), about the vision strategy meeting where God placed the same issues on each of our hearts (Community begins at home.  With relationship.  Who knew?), about the teams that will be going to Israel, Ethiopia, and Asia this year…but in the middle of rehashing all the details of an update, I realize that if I am bored writing it, my readers will be bored reading it.  And I do not want to bore anyone.  So…that’s your update (for now)…

12 girls for the DTS = amazing

Community begins at home, and we’re working on that this year.  Again.  😉

Israel, Ethiopia, Asia, and who knows where else.

As for me and my heart…

…I have come to the conclusion that I am learning to wait on the Lord.  A week and a half ago I got to teach a little girl to dance in the Spirit…which was basically teaching her how to wait and let Him take the lead.

Yesterday I got to play my violin in worship.  Twice.  Both times I got feedback on how incredible it was…actually, people have been saying that a lot recently…how my skills are really improving and what not.  I’m thinking to myself, “What I am doing right now is waaaaaay less technical than what I was doing when I picked it back up months ago.”

What I am doing differently…is waiting.  Sometimes on a single note.  F#.  F# again.  Still playing F#.  Suddenly a run comes out of nowhere (that’s like a lick, for those of you who specialize in more fretted stringed instruments.)  Sometimes I wait without playing…or without the violin in my hands at all.  I don’t “hear” the part, so I don’t play…and I realize that it works best with what everyone else is doing.

Not that learning to listen in ensemble is anything new to me.  Not that learning to wait is anything new, either.  Just seems to be where I am right now.  And I am feeling incredibly impatient…like standing there with my violin in my hands, thinking, “Why don’t I have anything to play? [pause pause pause] Ooooooooooh…because I’m not supposed to play right now.”  Then I set down the violin and a moment later realize it’s almost my cue.  I haven’t played some of these songs in months, and last time I played it differently.  How, then, do I know it’s almost my cue?  Must be Jesus.  I pick up the violin and play a scale and the whole room erupts into movement and color and life.

I remember when I started learning to dance with God.  I would wait, with my hands open, and breathe.  Just breathe.  And wait.  Pretty soon my arms would know which way to move and my feet would follow the gentle motion.  Learning to wait while playing in a band with a bunch of rock-n-roll worshipers is a bit more…raucous…to say the least.  Not all worshipers are rock-n-roll, but these guys are!  Learning ensemble with them may just be a miracle for this often soft spoken ballerina, and I’m loving it.

The Beauty of Questions

05 Jan 2011 3 Comments

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

It all began with a rather raw and vulnerable question for God:

Do you want me bad enough to put me back together? Am I worth the time this takes?

Early last year this question, scrawled in my journal, sent me to explore an exercise my friend Tara (of Anam Cara Ministries) had sent to me.  It is fairly simple…

I come up with three questions: one for God, one for my heart, one for God and my heart.   I take three index cards and write one question per card, then turn the cards over and shuffle them.   Without looking at the questions, I tape them down to a scrap of paper or board.  Now comes the fun part: color!  I paint each card with whatever color or texture I feel like.  While the paint is drying I get to go through magazines and tear out pictures…whatever pictures I have a strong emotional reaction to, consonance or dissonance.  Then I arrange the pictures on the cards and glue my little collages together.

I try to forget about the question and focus on only the color and images while I am working.  The idea is to stay in the question instead of looking for answers.  When I finally get to turn the cards over and see which question goes with which picture, I find that I am learning more about myself and God, about my unspoken hopes and desires, and about faith.  Not every picture is an answer per se, but they do correspond.

The above question which started the whole process resulted in another question:

“Well, what if stuff happens again?”

God: Do you want me bad enough to put me back together?

Extracted from an insurance ad, the words positioned over clouds and beach-grass with a running shoe gave me the uneasy sense that this road would get harder before it got better.  I honestly did not know what to make of it.

Here I am, almost a year later, and I can tell you two things:  stuff happened again, and God wanted me enough to put me back together.

I have 20 little sets of these cards.  Questions from raw, hungry, almost desperate, sometimes timid, fearful, playful, hopeful, raw places in my soul…

…did I make the right choice?

…what if I never get this?  Will you still love me?

…did I let you down?

…what am I missing?

…what do you want to bring out in me this week?

…what  am I hoping for?

…am I worthy of you?

…what do I want?

…what do you want for me, God?

…how do I live well?

The questions are deeply personal, and although I have shared some very general ones, I can look at them and remember the ache,  sometimes confusion, and longing.  This evening I spent assembling the 20 sets of cards from 2010 into a book, and as I look at each collection of cards, the thing that stands out to me most is hope.

The exercise is a discipline of faith, being willing to trust God enough to let the question sit unanswered while I make pretty pictures.  Even asking the questions has taken a good measure of faith.  I have poured out all my doubt, fear, and misgivings into these questions, and without meaning to I have discovered what it means to live in hopeful expectancy.  I wonder if we realize just how interconnected fear and faith truly are.

Know God

26 Dec 2010 1 Comment

by raindropsintheocean in Uncategorized Tags: ,

Sometimes you get to know what God is doing.

Sometimes you know that God is moving.

Sometimes you know God.  And that is enough.

I’ve heard this message three times today, from three different women in my life.  I like knowing the details, seeing how God brings together pieces and people all over  the world at just the right moment for something incredible to happen.  I like knowing what God is doing in me, how, and why…having a story to tell and being able to explain all that is going on.  But, I have been reminded thrice, that’s not always how it works…and sometimes it’s better that way.

Okay, it’s probably better that way a lot.

(Don’t you need my help with that God?  I could do this over here, wouldn’t that be good?  How about some minor adjustments to the plan…?)

I think of Ester, and how she did not know what she was getting into, what would happen or how it would go.  Dear Miss Ester…the only book of the Bible where God is not mentioned by name, and yet by the end of the book you can see His hand so clearly.  Sometimes, it seems, you don’t need to know the whole plan…even when your life is on the line.  Even then, you can step out because you know God…know His character and know you can trust Him.

I do like knowing, though.

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