This week the speaker on the DTS, Donna MacGowan, spoke on Fear of the Lord. Due to me being sick, I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked, so maybe some of our amazing students can fill me in on how God moved in their lives this week.
Fear of the Lord is a topic we like to have on every DTS. It is about honoring God in every area of your life, submitting all things to His loving discipline, and ridding yourself of the impurities, however great or small, that God brings up. I say the words, but so many of my friends have been so hurt by churches that meant “Fear of Leadership and Our Opinion” rather than “Fear of the Lord”, that I know some of these words land in tender spots. Many of you know that I have struggled long and hard with some of these battles, and the only freedom from other’s opinions can be found in a healthy reverence for God. If it helps, I have been thinking of it as spring cleaning. And God has been doing some spring cleaning in me.
Tom Gaddis, the pastor at Father’s House Church, mentioned last week that “When words are many, there is much sin…” He himself was feeling convicted of some things, and something in my spirit stood up and took notice of this Proverb. “Hey…I talk a lot…I ought to keep that in mind.” I have been finding myself, for the past several weeks, with my proverbial foot in my mouth…and some times are more serious than others. I have been confronted internally for things I have said to others, and have had others confront me regarding thoughts about myself I have verbalized.
I keep thinking of this kneeadable eraser I have. It is a grey, sticky, elasticy putty. It turns black when I use it to erase charcoal or graphite, but as I pull it and fold it and squish it back together, the black marks magically disappear. Due to it’s stickiness, it also collects carpet fuzz. And hair. And sand. And wood shavings. And pretty much any other small debris it touches. So in college, when I was doing more charcoal drawing, I would sit and pick all the little fuzz bits out. You have to stretch it like bubble gum, then fold it in on itself over and over again to even find them. That’s how I feel now…like God is stretching and then folding me and picking out all the dirt.
I wish I could say it was wonderful and refreshing, but it’s actually a little awful. Sometimes I wonder why God and others even trust me, and I could sure use an angel to come burn my mouth with a coal*. I am painfully aware, after many tries, that I cannot pull myself out of this one. Repentance (rising above) is going to take an act of God.
Fortunately He has already acted.
Here I am, back at the cross, to be made new. Forgiveness for sins isn’t just wiping the slate clean…it is changing my very nature, one foolish, careless thought and word at a time.
The people in my life have been so gracious and God has been so faithful to push me back on the path each time I stray. I am not thrilled about this season, but I am grateful for it. A thoughtless word and a sharp tongue can do so much damage, and my life is primarily about loving people. Among other things, I am staffing the DTS this summer. I know I won’t be “all better” by then, but I know this season is a very timely preparation for leadership.
Pray for me.
*From Isaiah 6, “In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. … And I said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!”
Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.”
Raindrops in the Ocean 